Things I Wished I Liked...

Eggplant: Seems every time I'm in a restaurant, they are serving things with eggplant, things I normally like. People tell me it is good, and I imagine if I didn't know eggplant was in the sandwich or the salad or whatever, I would be fine. "Umm," I would say, "that has an interesting texture." As it is, the minute I hear eggplant, I start thinking slime, which isn't fair to eggplant. Or to slime, I guess, depending on your point of view.

Andre Norton: When I was a kid, there were TONS of Andre Norton books in our local library. They always had great covers and really fascinating plot summaries. I would try one, and get bored, try one and get bored. I wish I could have found them the most fascinating books ever; all those books just waiting to be read--sigh . . .

Drew Carey: Actually, I like Drew Carey, and I really enjoyed the improv show he sponsored. But I could never get into the sitcom. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to find it funny since there were a number of actors on the show that I find individually funny (like the guy who does the Fig Newton ads). But I never did. In fact, watching the Drew Carey show was rather a surreal experience. Usually, I know why I don't like a sitcom: too silly, too unintelligent, too many potty jokes. I could never figure it out with Drew Carey. I would sit there, thinking, "I know this is funny. I know this is supposed to be funny. Why am I not laughing?"

Silly feminism: It would just make my life a lot easier. Besides, it's instant-pesto no-responsibility: you can blame men and society and bosses and George Bush and economics! So many roads to self-justification. And I could get along with people in my college. But I have neither the inclination or the lack of humor that would allow me to perpetuate such a fantasy. (No ideology that can't survive a hearty laugh is worth the time it takes to argue its merits.)

Chips: They are one of those easy snack foods. A sugar-fiend like me can't (and shouldn't) eat donuts and brownies 24/7. Chips would be a good substitute. But I've never really cared for chips: potato, dorito, etc. On the other hand, not caring for chips gives me a faint feeling of superiority. Well, okay, I don't have the best diet in the world, but at least I don't eat chips.

The Da Vinci Code: I'd liked to read it. I get it out of the library every now and again. Three weeks pass, back to the library it goes. I understand it is a fun, fast read. But unfortunately, I know just a tad (not a lot, just a tad) too much about early Christianity, and I'm afraid that I'll spend the entire book going, "Oh, puh-lease" which kind of spoils the adventure/fun-read part of the equation.

Networking: Which would make job hunting and fiction publishing a whole lot easier.

Tom Cruise: But I just can't. I think he is kind of skanky. And not because of the whole Katie Holmes/Christian Science thing, or whatever it is. Personally, I find the tabloids' attitude here rather disgusting. Taking photos of stars in bathing suits is one thing; constantly harassing a Hollywood star about his beliefs is another.

That said, I don't care for Tom Cruise. Whenever I catch a glimpse of him in a movie, I always get this faint suspicion that here is a guy who feels really, really sorry for himself. The movies always seem to be about misunderstood men who are being persecuted by their wives or society. And, okay, there's a genre for that, but the men are always these James Bond types. And I simply can't watch a James Bond type movie AND feel sorry for the hero at the same time. It's too weird. But, like Andre Norton, the movies usually seem pretty interesting so I wish I could get into them.

Music: I am, I'm sorry to say, one of those people who hears a song on the radio and says, "Oh, yeah, I like that," and then never remembers the title or the singer or half the lyrics for that matter. I have enormous respect for people who enjoy music (any kind of music) and become well-versed in performers and styles. It seems very relaxing and another form of entertainment. Kind of like abstract art. But I require people and plot in my art forms, which is probably why I prefer the Pre-Raphaelites and musicals. Still, I consider it an aesthetic failure on my part. (I feel the same way about poetry, more or less. On the other hand, I don't care for the cubists, and it's pretty fine with me that I go on not caring.)

Exercising: I like to swim, but I'm afraid it's more splashing about in the water kind of swimming. I find any other kind of exercise dull in the extreme. In college, we had to do one cardiovascular exercise three times a day for twenty minutes. I chose walking, and I just about died with boredom. I'm not really a nature girl. And I can't get into houses or buildings. I like scenery, but you know, scenery, backdrop to my life. As it was, I didn't develop a habit (the point of the exercise), I just developed a dislike for walking to places for no reason. Which is a pity. One of these days it will come back to haunt me. (It should come as no surprise that I took golf and fencing for my next two gym classes.)

Widescreen format: Oh, wait, I've already talked about that.

CATEGORY: FARES